Something strange and somewhat unnerving happened to me the other day, and I've found myself wondering if I could have handled it differently.
Do note that anything in quotes is pretty much verbatim.
Let's go back to the end of my work day last Thursday. I had just gotten off work and had taken the first bus to get home, and was walking to the bus stop for the second one, when I realized that there was a... not-so-savory looking gentleman sitting on the bench. I supposed that I could ignore him, like I do with everyone I see at a bus stop, but he asked me politely when the bus was coming, and I answered. After buying a snack form the corner store and realizing that the clerk was marginally more creepy than the man outside, I went back to the bench. As I had been on my feet all day, I decided to risk interaction with another human being by sitting on the other end of the bench.
How naive I was to think that my headphones would deter him from speaking with me.
I tried to stay distant as he asked me polite questions, not wanting to share too much with a complete stranger, but I realized that not only was this man elderly, he was disabled. He had a cane with him, and judging by his speech patterns, he seemed to have some sort of mental illness as well. He looked to have fallen on hard times, and for all I knew, he might have been a disabled war veteran. I figured that he might be lonely, so I indulged him in polite, impersonal conversation.
And then it became abundantly clear that he was the most absurdly bigoted person I had ever had the misfortune to be within five feet of. The moment I let it slip that my job involved being outside, he told me that I had to watch out for muggers and rapists just because "ya'll are a female and they'll getcha". I realized that I had to get out of that conversation quickly, so I mentioned that I was a black belt and could take care of myself (which also served as a way of subtly warning him to keep his distance,) and that I worked in front of a church where parents drop of their preschoolers and so was probably safe because of the location.
"Yeah, well, you're still not safe. This city is full of Mexicans, blacks, Asians, all kinds of people. And some of 'em don't even believe in God."
In retrospect, I wish that I had said something like, "I think the diversity is part of what makes Denver so great, thank you," and walked away, but I'm too polite for my own good, so I dodged his racism and stuck to the topic of me being a badass for ten seconds until the bus came. Words cannot even describe how happy I was to see that bus.
We got on, and he told me to get on first despite him being disabled, which I suspect was him trying to invoke the "ladies first" rule. I sat in a seat that already had a person in it so that I could avoid him, and I almost made it through the rest of the trip okay, but when we got to his stop, he very rudely (and without caring that half of the bus saw) smacked the bar in front of my seat with his cane to get my attention and said something to me. I had my music on, and I wasn't about to actually ask what he had said, so I nodded and mmhmm'ed until he got off.
Then I got home and took a long shower.
I hate that I'm so polite. That entire situation could have been avoided if I'd just said, "I don't want to talk right now," but I couldn't even do that. I know that I could have done so many things differently, but I panicked under the pressure of trying not to be an asshole to a disabled senior. How was I supposed to know he would be so unbelievably hateful? I know that it's no excuse, but I get so flustered because of my social anxiety that I couldn't think of any other way to handle it at the time.
Not that his rampant misogyny and racism would have excused me for being an asshole to anyone, but I know I could have called him out without being obnoxious if I had just a little bit more chutzpah. Still, this is something that's been bugging me for a while. I don't know if I'll ever get a proper answer.
